I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
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Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them