When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
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“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Twitter is an abusement park.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?