Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
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Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women