Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
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Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose