zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
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Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”