My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
You Might Also Like
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.