[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
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a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
so i’m at the stock market right
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?