*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
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9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
The check engine light came on inside my oven.