Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.