This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
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“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea