Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
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cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
This is my brand.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..