I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
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You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Thoughts
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!