I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
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On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?