Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
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“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Simple
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.