mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
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Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it