Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
You Might Also Like
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.