If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
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[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
what it’s like dating me:
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her