Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
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Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Clients after you give them your rates
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.