Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
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It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
It be like that sometimes 😆