“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
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I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Love is in the air fryer.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”