there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
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Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.