Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
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My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Florida be like…