your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
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[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party