My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
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The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.