As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
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If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
and now we wait
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Cat is stressing him out.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.