Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
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Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
okay run it by me one more time
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Happy Taco Tuesday
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”