Plant care tips
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[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No