You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
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If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…