This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
You Might Also Like
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”