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“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
*pokes sex life with a stick
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.