I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
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Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I am also baked goods
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket