Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out