Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
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[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.