Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
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hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”