It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
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I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
wtf is an acronym
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”