“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
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Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Imagine having a party on purpose.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Livid.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Had to try this trend 😊
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Fights fire with marshmallows
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.