I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
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Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Great game to play with friends
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
would Medusa wear a hat
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