*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
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A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
i think both sides are to blame here
A Short Story.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard