[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
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It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.