*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
You Might Also Like
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years