gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
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[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.