They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
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I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
sigh
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.