I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
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me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Okay
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds