Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
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[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
How dramatic are you?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
don’t be scared
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
This did not end as expected.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!