FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
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Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
seems like a niche market
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
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