The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
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[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.