That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
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me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork