me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
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MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
The opposite of Iceland is water water
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Wait for it
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go