*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
You Might Also Like
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway