I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
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*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE